“Never split the difference” by Chris Voss could easily be known as a handbook of negotiation, especially given the fact that the author is a former FBI hostage negotiator. To him, “Life is negotiation. The majority of the interactions we have at work and at home are negotiations that boil down to the expression of a simple, animalistic urge: I want.” (p.17).
Actually, negotiation serves two different life functions: one is related with information gathering and the other one with behavior influencing. It “includes almost any interaction where each party wants something from the other side”. “Getting what you want of life is all about getting what you want from - and with - other people” (p.17).
The book is structured in ten chapters: chapter 1 - The new rules; chapter 2 - Be a mirror; chapter 3 - Don’t feel their pain, label it; chapter 4 - Beware “yes” - Master “no”; chapter 5 - Trigger the two words that immediately transform any negotiation; chapter 6 - Bend their reality; chapter 7 - Create the illusion of control; chapter 8 - Guarantee execution; chapter 9 - Bargain hard; and chapter 10 - Find the black swan. With the exception of chapter 1, all the chapters end with key lessons, a kind of synthesis of the main ideas presented by Voss.
To the author, when the subject is negotiation, it is important to be present and alert in the moment. Listening actively to the other (pay attention to the body and face language of the other and to the tone of voice used as they represents 55% and 38% respectively of the message (p.176)), smiling, showing empathy (to create trust) and a genuine desire to understand the other needs (differently from wants, needs are survival, “the very minimum required to make us act, and so make us vulnerable” (p.28)). Not less relevant is the fact that a great negotiator should be open to all possibilities (ready for surprises) and maintain a mindset of discovery (pp.16, 25 and 28).
An interesting concept is mirroring, defined as “the art of insinuating similarity, which facilitates bonding. Use mirrors to encourage the other side to empathize and bond with you, keep people talking, buy your side time to regroup, and encourage your counterparts to reveal their strategy” (p.48).
Always present during a negotiation should be tactical empathy, what the author calls “emotional intelligence on steroids”, and it means to “understand the feelings and mindset of another in the moment and also hearing what is behind those feelings so you increase your influence in all the moments that follow. It’s bringing our attention to both the emotional obstacles and the potential pathways to getting an agreement done” (p.52).
Additionally, Voss defends the usefulness of labeling emotions, underlying them, “because it makes the person acknowledge their feelings rather than continuing to act out”. “Labeling negative diffuses them (...)” - which is the most efficient way of establishing a quick working relationship -; (...) “labeling positives reinforces them”. In this sense, the former FBI hostage negotiator also remembers that “the best way to deal with negativity is to observe it, without reaction and without judgment. Then consciously label each negative feeling and replace it with positive, compassionate and solution-based thoughts”(pp.57, 58, 59).
Besides all of this and, in my perspective, challenging is the role that listening to a “no” could have during a negotiation, as underlined by Voss. People usually think that “no” is the end, but “no” is simply the starting point in negotiation. It is an opportunity “to clarify what you really want by eliminating what you don’t want” (p.75), creating safety, security (p.88), and the feeling of control to prepare the path to “yes”.
“Yes” “is the final goal of a negotiation”(p.94), it is better to only have it at the end (most of the time, a “yes” at the beginning means nothing) and before it, “that’s right” is a desirable answer to listen from the other, creating a breakthrough. To reach it, instead of a “yes”, the approach to follow is to summarize what the other said (p.112).
Another idea that should be remembered when we are talking about negotiation, and is referred to by Voss is: to avoid asking “why”. “Why” is frequently interpreted as an accusation, So, we should start with the words “how” and/or “what”. When we use this, it seems like we are asking the other party for help, giving the illusion of control (to the author, the conversation is controlled by the listener) and inspiring the other to speak more freely (p.160).
In essence, what we pretend with negotiation, part of the management, is collaboration, making the discussion, the conflict “meaningful and productive for all parties”, to reach an agreement (p.21) and Voss’s book is very useful teaching us how to do this.
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